The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
