I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
