The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
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someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I pour the whiskey from now on
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize