Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
