just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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