I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
