I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
