Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
