yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
