You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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