Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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