My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
