I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
