Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
