So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
