It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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