I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
