After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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