I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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