don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
