I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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