I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
