I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
