I think I won the penis lottery.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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