I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
nutella sex= disaster
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She bit a glass in half.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
