I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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