this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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