I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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