What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
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I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
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I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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