Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's rum buckets o'clock
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
