It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
