wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
