my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
