Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
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I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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