Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
