Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
