Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(410): View more from Maryland

She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.

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(718): View more from New York

i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.

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(714): View more from California

he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday

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(812): View more from Indiana

Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

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(417): View more from Missouri

i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.

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(406): View more from Montana

Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.

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