Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.