woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.