She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
handjob tips. give me some.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening