does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious