Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
