Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
