Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
