I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
