Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
