We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
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I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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