see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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