Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
