I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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