She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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