Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
