Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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