I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
