After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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