you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
