mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
