I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
tonight lets celebrate not being married
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
