there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
